9 months!

My little girl turns 9 months today. 9 months. That's how long I carried her in my tummy. Wow. I have to say it again and again in my head just to convince myself that it’s real. The months just flew by so fast. The baby that used to fit so comfortably in her daddy’s palms is now a chubby little girl who weighs about 23 pounds and wears toddler clothes. She can now sit up, crawl, and walk with support. She can say the words “mama,” “car,” “daddy” and just the other day she learned how to high-five. It’s really amazing to witness all the changes and developments, all the things she experiences and accomplishes. 

New Year's Eve. Her very first.

Her most recent photo. Rockin' her big girl dress.

Time won't slow down for anyone. Pretty soon she'll be running around, meeting new friends, going to school. And she'll want to do things on her own. But now, while I still can, I intend to enjoy every single bit of her baby-hood. Mum's not ready to close that chapter just yet, and I don't think I'll ever be ready.

Happy 9 months, my darling! You make mum and dad so very happy. We love you!

Thoughts on the Sandy Hook tragedy.

I woke up yesterday morning to news about the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Twitter was flooded with updates, and I was sobbing my heart out as I read each report. 26 dead, and majority of the victims were children. The list of victims was released today, and my heart broke once again when I saw that all the twenty kids who were killed were aged six and seven. The gun that took the life of these tiny, defenseless children was same as the weapons used by troops in Afghanistan. And according to reports from the coroner, the victims were shot more than once. Just trying to picture a small, fragile body of a six-year-old with multiple bullet wounds makes me cry in horror. Why? What could have triggered the gunman to do such a terrible, unfathomable act of evil?

My heart is broken and bleeding and the tears won't stop. I am grieving, even if these people are all strangers to me. I'm a mother, too. And once you have children of your own, when you hear about very young kids being killed, you feel a kind of pain that only parents can understand. They say when a parent loses a child, there is no greater pain. I can only imagine the devastation that the mothers and fathers of the young victims are feeling right now.

God help them.

Right now, prayers are being whispered for them all over the globe. The world is united in prayer, and sadness. The only thing to do, the best thing to do, is pray. For the souls of the victims, for the families they left behind. I am one of those in constant prayer. Lord, please have mercy and give them strength.

**********

According to reports I've read online, the three weapons used by the gunman belonged to his mother, who was his first victim. All legally purchased by the mother. The question that boggles me is this: Why does the mother own so many guns? I don't get it. They were living in a supposedly lovely and peaceful part of the state, so why the need to have deadly weapons?

I've been terrified of guns all my life. When I was a kid, I witnessed a shooting right in front of our house. Our neighbors were fighting, and two men took out their guns and started shooting at each other. I was so scared and until now I still carry that fear.

Gun manufacturers say these weapons are for self-defense. But that is no longer the case. The Sandy Hook gunman was said to have a personality disorder. This unstable person had easy access to deadly weapons legally owned by his mother. Yesterday, these "weapons for self-defense" took the lives of twenty very young children.

It's insane. And really frightening, this world we live in. A world that gives crazy mad men easy access to deadly weapons.

**********

I have an 8month-old daughter, and when I read about yesterday's tragedy, I couldn't help but think of this: Paano kung nangyari kay Aria yun?

It made me realize that life is indeed so short. And death really does come like a thief in the night.

So every day, every waking moment, love your children. Love your family. Hug them. Hold them. Tell them you love them. Don't waste an opportunity to say, "I love you."

And pray. For protection. There just isn't a safe place in this world anymore.

**********

Twenty children.
Six adults.

Rest in peace.

Ngalay ng Nanay

We have been lying in bed like this for two and a half hours already. She would stir every now and then to move her head a little, or move her arm. But she refuses to budge from where she's sleeping so soundly. Twice I tried to put her down on the bed beside me. She cried. She wants to sleep like this. This close to me.

So imagine not moving from this position for two and a half hours. This is what I'd like to call "mother's ngalay." I really don't mind if my butt and my back are killing me. I could stay in this position forever, holding my baby girl so very close to my heart, literally. If you could see her right now. Aria looks so happy and content, snoring a bit, too. I can't describe this wonderful feeling every time we're this close, whenever she's asleep in my arms, whenever she wants to be pressed close to me, letting my heartbeat lull her to sleep. Wonderful is an understatement.

Hindi pa rin talaga siya nagalaw. It's okay, love. You can spend the night in mommy's arms. I'm all yours.

Slow down, Father Time!

Seriously. Time seems to be running extra fast lately. Here comes September, the first of the "ber" months, and next thing you know, it's time to light 'em Christmas trees. Ang bilis ng panahon!

My little Aria turned 5 months today. 5 months! Can you believe that? Didn't I just give birth yesterday? So it's been 5 months? Kidding aside, I'm really amazed at how fast she grows. Last we checked, my daughter is 20.7 pounds and 73 cm. long. That was last week. Her pedia says her weight and height is for a 1-year old kid already. So that's why many of her clothes don't fit her anymore. Ang bilis ng panahon!

Newborn Aria. At The Medical City. Two days after birth.

I can still remember that particular Saturday in April. The 19 hours I spent in the labor room of The Medical City. The very painful delivery. Aria's first cries. My husband, Alvin, standing close to me, then holding our baby girl afterwards. I remember trying to smile for the camera, but I couldn't because I was so exhausted. I remember looking at Aria, touching her for the very first time, watching her nurse and squirm on my chest. Heck, I even remember waking up in the recovery room and asking the nurse for a glass of water. She filled a plastic cup with tap and I wondered if it was safe to drink. Everything is so clear and vivid in my head. It feels like it all happened five days ago and not five months.

Little Aria at 2 months. So tiny in her Daddy's hands.

Aria at 3 months.

Now my baby girl is no longer the tiny, delicate ball that my husband can carry in his palms. She's now this adorable tot who's always smiling and laughing, always moving her arms and legs. I always check the baby milestones chart to monitor her progress and Aria's quite advanced at 5 months. She looks at you when you say her name, she "talks" back, she taps her hands at objects, reaches for things and puts them in her mouth. She can't roll over yet because probably she's too heavy. But to make up for it, she sits up! She sits and plays with her feet. So cute! 

And when she's crying, she looks for me, or that's how Alvin and I interpret it. Because she cries out, "mum! mum!" And when I finally carry her in my arms, she stops crying. That is the best feeling ever. If you're a mom and you're reading this, then you know how that feels. Sarap, diba?

Aria at 4 months.

Pretty soon, she's going to learn how to walk, say more words, eat solid food, and reach other huge milestones that will both amaze and shock me. She's growing up. Too fast, if you ask me. She'll be more fun to be with once she's older, I know. But a big part of me really wants Father Time to stop so she'll stay a baby and she'll always want to be wrapped in my arms. 

Sigh.

I guess the best thing to do is to cherish every moment, savor every single day while she's still like this - a baby who's depending on me for dear life. Enjoy her company while she still enjoys mine. I intend to do just that. For the rest of my life, if possible. 

Happy 5th month, Aria! You'll always be my sweet, little baby. No matter how many candles you'll have on your birthday cake. 

Photo taken 3 days ago.

Best gift ever!

It's my husband's birthday today. We just woke up. Aria and I surprised him with our simple presents. Our darling little girl bought her daddy new socks! How thoughtful! Alvin said they were very "daughterly gifts." She doesn't have a clue, of course. But as early as now I want to teach her this birthday tradition I got from my family. Everytime someone had a birthday, we would wait until midnight or wake up early to give our birthday gifts. It always made the day even more special. And happier!

So today we woke up with sunshine, love and presents on Alvin's birthday. God gave him a present, too. The gift of family! Best gift ever.

Happy birthday, sweetheart!

To my husband...

...with all my love, heart and soul.

Dear Alvin...

Happy anniversary! Two years since we exchanged vows. Twelve years of togetherness. Sounds like forever, yet sometimes it feels like everything just happened yesterday. Maybe because loving you never gets old.

We've been through a lot of things. Good things. Bad things. The in-betweens. And I'm happy and thankful because we always make it through together. Whether we're faced with rainbows or hurdles, we face them together, my hand in yours, our steps in sync. I'm really glad that in this rat race of a life, I'm partnered with you. I can't imagine waking up next to someone else, opening my heart to someone else, growing old with someone who isn't you.

Look at us now. Proud parents of a beautiful baby girl who's always so happy. I guess she can sense that her mum and dad love each other very much, and love her to bits, too. That's why she's always full of smiles. Thank you, sweetheart. Life can't get any better than this. Not even if we win the grand lotto. (Although winning the lottery would be nice, too.) I already have so many priceless treasures to be thankful for - you, your love and our sweet little baby chum.

It's 11:46pm as I end this post. A few minutes before your birthday. Here's hoping you'll have a great one, and that all your wishes come true. Except for a big bike. I still won't allow it. :)

I love you. Always and always. God bless you, my darling husband.

Love,
Your Wife.

On motherhood, heroes and zzz...

Still up at 5:30am. I put my daughter back to sleep a few minutes ago, after feeding her and resting her on my chest for about half an hour to wait for her burp and let her stomach settle. Now I'm listening to my husband's snoring, and the slight rustle of Aria's blanket as she moves her legs every now and then. This has been my routine ever since the little one was born. Early morning feedings that start at 3am, sometimes 4. Oh there are those rare days where she'd go on sleeping undisturbed by hunger 'til 6am. But most days she's up early. My sweet baby Aria. Mum's puyat everyday because of you. But it comes with motherhood, along with all the good stuff like the sound of her laughter, her tiny arms around my neck when I carry her, the big smile on her face when she sees me, and the way she says "mum...mum" when she's crying. So I can't really complain about the lack of sleep. All the wonderful things outweigh the stuff I grumble about.

My barre3 teacher, Joie, shared to me once that good sleep only came around when her boys got older, 2 or 3 years after birth if I remember it right. Aria's 4months old. Must load up on my Berocca then, for the next two years or so. The required 7 to 8 hours of sleep is now as unreachable as the star in that old song, or the dream of winning jackpot in the lottery.

Fellow moms with dark under-eye circles, if this was like a job, we deserve a big raise, yeah? Or an extra dose of affection from our babies everyday, more than what they give other people. (case in point, the dad.) We're like superheroes who stay awake to make sure everything is well in the world. I think we're even more super because we go through this without the help of capes and costumes or special gadgets or a super fast vehicle. Or superhuman powers. We just really do it, survive on sleepless nights.

Yesterday's celebration for heroes wasn't just for Jose Rizal or Ninoy Aquino. It was for every mother in the country. And I'm proud to include myself. The moms who barely sleep to make sure their babies do, comfortably, soundly.

The early rays of sunlight are streaming in as I end this post. Ah. There goes my chance for a nap before I take Aria out for some sun. Sarap maging nanay, ano?

Good morning!

A letter for Aria

Dear Aria,

Mommy has a silly question. Do you know that I'm your mother? Lately I've been wondering about this. If you do know who I am, how'd you find out? People tell me that you already know who I am even before you were born because you came from me, you lived inside me. But I don't want to hear it from others. I wanna hear it from you, which is really quite impossible because you can't talk yet.

So do you actually know that I'm your mommy? Do you recognize my voice? My smell? My touch? I read in books that babies prefer the smell of their mothers. Is that true, my darling? Do you prefer me over anyone else? Oh, that would make Mommy so happy. That's exactly what I want, you know. I wanna be your #1.

I've imagined how it's gonna be as you get older. You'll reach a phase when you'll be afraid of strangers, and you'll always look at me to see if it's safe to interact with these new faces. And you'll run to my arms when you get scared, when you're hurt, or even when you're happy and want to be hugged. You'll depend on me for love, comfort, security and warmth. You have no idea how Mommy loves that. I want you to depend on me for almost everything all your life. (Although I think when you reach your teens, that wouldn't be a good idea. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.)

I can't wait 'til you learn how to talk so you can finally tell me that you love me. That'll make me cry for sure, the first time you say, "I love you, Mommy!" Because you have no idea how much I love you. Even I can't describe the enormity, the greatness of my love for you. I never thought this was possible, to love someone more than anything else in the universe, even more than myself. Maybe it's because you came from me, you're a part of my body, you lived inside mommy's tummy for nine months. It's inexplicable. I hope you can feel it. I hope you can sense Mommy's love. When you're old enough to talk and understand, let's always say, "I love you!" I'll never get tired of hearing it.

Today, you're celebrating your 4th month. Hurray! My emotions are mixed. Half of my heart says, "4 months na?!? So fast!" And the other half says, "4 months pa lang?!?" Eh kasi you're so big! :) You almost look like a 1-yr old, my Baby Chum. But seriously, don't grow up too fast, love. I still want to hold you in my arms tightly, smother you with kisses, smell your breath, smell your butt after you poop, kiss your feet, sniff your hands that sometimes smell like feet, give you a bath, play with you and take endless pictures of you. All those things. I wanna do all those things forever! Well, maybe not forever. 'Til you're 30.

I love you, Aria. Mommy and Daddy are always here by your side, watching you grow, and feeling happy and proud. Remember the song I used to sing to you all the time when you were still in my tummy? "How wonderful life is now you're in the world." That's true. You have made life even more beautiful just by being here.

Love,
Mommy

Parenthood. It doesn't really come with a handbook or an instruction manual. You just learn from each and every experience. You are your own teacher. Sometimes you make mistakes, sometimes you fail. But each blunder makes you wiser and stronger. Each wrong move teaches you to do right next time, to do better. Every moment has taught me this. I fail many, many times in my struggle to become the most perfect mother. I lose my patience, get frustrated, get angry. But I get up again and try, hoping that in time I'll be mastering motherhood. I'll have to learn to forgive myself many times over, find strength in my daughter, and work on being the best parent for her. It's a lifetime job, but I'm up for it!