On motherhood, heroes and zzz...

Still up at 5:30am. I put my daughter back to sleep a few minutes ago, after feeding her and resting her on my chest for about half an hour to wait for her burp and let her stomach settle. Now I'm listening to my husband's snoring, and the slight rustle of Aria's blanket as she moves her legs every now and then. This has been my routine ever since the little one was born. Early morning feedings that start at 3am, sometimes 4. Oh there are those rare days where she'd go on sleeping undisturbed by hunger 'til 6am. But most days she's up early. My sweet baby Aria. Mum's puyat everyday because of you. But it comes with motherhood, along with all the good stuff like the sound of her laughter, her tiny arms around my neck when I carry her, the big smile on her face when she sees me, and the way she says "mum...mum" when she's crying. So I can't really complain about the lack of sleep. All the wonderful things outweigh the stuff I grumble about.

My barre3 teacher, Joie, shared to me once that good sleep only came around when her boys got older, 2 or 3 years after birth if I remember it right. Aria's 4months old. Must load up on my Berocca then, for the next two years or so. The required 7 to 8 hours of sleep is now as unreachable as the star in that old song, or the dream of winning jackpot in the lottery.

Fellow moms with dark under-eye circles, if this was like a job, we deserve a big raise, yeah? Or an extra dose of affection from our babies everyday, more than what they give other people. (case in point, the dad.) We're like superheroes who stay awake to make sure everything is well in the world. I think we're even more super because we go through this without the help of capes and costumes or special gadgets or a super fast vehicle. Or superhuman powers. We just really do it, survive on sleepless nights.

Yesterday's celebration for heroes wasn't just for Jose Rizal or Ninoy Aquino. It was for every mother in the country. And I'm proud to include myself. The moms who barely sleep to make sure their babies do, comfortably, soundly.

The early rays of sunlight are streaming in as I end this post. Ah. There goes my chance for a nap before I take Aria out for some sun. Sarap maging nanay, ano?

Good morning!

A letter for Aria

Dear Aria,

Mommy has a silly question. Do you know that I'm your mother? Lately I've been wondering about this. If you do know who I am, how'd you find out? People tell me that you already know who I am even before you were born because you came from me, you lived inside me. But I don't want to hear it from others. I wanna hear it from you, which is really quite impossible because you can't talk yet.

So do you actually know that I'm your mommy? Do you recognize my voice? My smell? My touch? I read in books that babies prefer the smell of their mothers. Is that true, my darling? Do you prefer me over anyone else? Oh, that would make Mommy so happy. That's exactly what I want, you know. I wanna be your #1.

I've imagined how it's gonna be as you get older. You'll reach a phase when you'll be afraid of strangers, and you'll always look at me to see if it's safe to interact with these new faces. And you'll run to my arms when you get scared, when you're hurt, or even when you're happy and want to be hugged. You'll depend on me for love, comfort, security and warmth. You have no idea how Mommy loves that. I want you to depend on me for almost everything all your life. (Although I think when you reach your teens, that wouldn't be a good idea. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.)

I can't wait 'til you learn how to talk so you can finally tell me that you love me. That'll make me cry for sure, the first time you say, "I love you, Mommy!" Because you have no idea how much I love you. Even I can't describe the enormity, the greatness of my love for you. I never thought this was possible, to love someone more than anything else in the universe, even more than myself. Maybe it's because you came from me, you're a part of my body, you lived inside mommy's tummy for nine months. It's inexplicable. I hope you can feel it. I hope you can sense Mommy's love. When you're old enough to talk and understand, let's always say, "I love you!" I'll never get tired of hearing it.

Today, you're celebrating your 4th month. Hurray! My emotions are mixed. Half of my heart says, "4 months na?!? So fast!" And the other half says, "4 months pa lang?!?" Eh kasi you're so big! :) You almost look like a 1-yr old, my Baby Chum. But seriously, don't grow up too fast, love. I still want to hold you in my arms tightly, smother you with kisses, smell your breath, smell your butt after you poop, kiss your feet, sniff your hands that sometimes smell like feet, give you a bath, play with you and take endless pictures of you. All those things. I wanna do all those things forever! Well, maybe not forever. 'Til you're 30.

I love you, Aria. Mommy and Daddy are always here by your side, watching you grow, and feeling happy and proud. Remember the song I used to sing to you all the time when you were still in my tummy? "How wonderful life is now you're in the world." That's true. You have made life even more beautiful just by being here.

Love,
Mommy

Parenthood. It doesn't really come with a handbook or an instruction manual. You just learn from each and every experience. You are your own teacher. Sometimes you make mistakes, sometimes you fail. But each blunder makes you wiser and stronger. Each wrong move teaches you to do right next time, to do better. Every moment has taught me this. I fail many, many times in my struggle to become the most perfect mother. I lose my patience, get frustrated, get angry. But I get up again and try, hoping that in time I'll be mastering motherhood. I'll have to learn to forgive myself many times over, find strength in my daughter, and work on being the best parent for her. It's a lifetime job, but I'm up for it!

Back to Barre3!

After a four-month break, I am finally going back to doing my favorite form of exercise - Barre3! And ooooh, I am giddy with excitement!

Barre3 Philippines just recently opened a new studio at The Spa in Trinoma. This is great news for QC girls like me. Trinoma is very near where I live, so it's more convenient for me to attend classes there than in Eastwood. Oh but I love the studio in Eastwood! After going for a year, it has become one of my happy places. That's where I posed for the camera for the Barre3 article in the Inquirer a couple of months back. And that's where I worked out with Aria growing in my belly. I remember posting on the Barre3 tree: I will become a terrific new mom!

Now it's time to check out the new studio in Trinoma, kickstart the healthy habit once again, and make new memories. I'll be attending the 530pm class tomorrow with Teacher Mel. Can't wait! Oh I'm sure I'm gonna be rusty, my carousel's gonna be super shaky, but this momma is determined to get back to the barre for good! So, game on!

Mum's musings on a rainy Friday...

Cold and rainy Friday. The kind of weather that makes you want to just stay in bed and zzz. But I have a 6pm radio show. So I reluctantly dragged myself to work today. It's getting harder and harder to leave for work. Not because of the rains making me lazy. But because of Aria. Everyday I bring her to my parents or my in-laws so I can go to the station and do my show. And everyday I wish I didn't have to. She's growing up so fast now, and my fear is that I might not be around when she reaches a certain milestone in her life. I want to be the first one to catch all these milestones. That's why I want to be with her all the time.

Life really changes dramatically once you become a mother. Your priorities change. The things that used to matter so much before I got pregnant seem ridiculously insignificant now. Now, it's all about Aria. The world revolves around my daughter. And the world seems so much happier and brighter now that it does.

At Aria's Baptismal Party. Photo by Litrato Juan.

She just got baptized over the weekend. We had her ears pierced the other day. And based on that last visit to her pediatrician, she now weighs 7 kilograms. That's 15 pounds. 15 pounds! I can only lift 10-pound dumbells in the gym. Aria's size at a week short of 3 months is already for a 6-month old baby. Wow! She got that from her daddy. Tee-hee! :) Her newest milestone is staring at her hands. (And she looks so adorable when she does that!) She is so talkative and her voice is getting louder everyday. I think that one she got from me. Haha!

While she seems so excited to grow up, her mum, on the other hand, is wishing time would slow down, if not stop completely. This afternoon, after a bath and a bottle of milk, she fell asleep lying on my chest. We were just lying in bed, enjoying the rain. I was looking at her face, kissing her tiny nose and smelling her breath. I was wishing that Father Time would take a break. Moments like that are just so beautiful you want to freeze frame it.

I could go on forever sharing stories about my daughter. She's definitely the best-est best thing that's ever happened to me. More posts about Baby Chum soon. When I find the time. When I'm not busy watching my little one grow up. This mum is just head-over-heels in-love!

:)

Love.

I wouldn't want to change the past. Every step we took, every choice we made led to this. Us. Family.

Blessed.

Yes, you!

Get.over.it.

My maternity leave is almost over. It's amazing how I've spent almost two months just staying at home and taking care of my baby. No househelp, no yaya. Just me and Aria everyday. There were days during her first few weeks when she'd be impossible, crying all the time, and with me being a first-time mom I'd end up sobbing in frustration and exhaustion. But as the weeks passed, I learned to understand Aria's needs, when to do this and that. I'd like to think I quite understand her cries now. It's getting a bit easier as she continues to grow. There are still tough days, but I'm learning how to handle them.

Being with Aria 24/7 is sometimes a challenge. But most of the time, it's a pleasure and an honor. My little angel is so beautiful and perfect and precious. I look at her and feel a sense of pride all the time. I'm her mother. She belongs to me. And it's such a big blessing, a huge honor.

My leave is almost up. I'm glad though that I have a job that doesn't take too much of my time. I'll be experiencing what other moms have told me when I was still pregnant with Aria: I'll always be excited to go home and be with the little one.

I still have a week left. And I plan to enjoy every second of it, with my arms wrapped lovingly around my daughter.

Happy Mother's Day!

My very first! Can you believe it? It's amazing how all of a sudden your whole life changes and you're a mother and a living being, your own flesh and blood, is depending on you for its own existence. I am now part of this wonderful and very exclusive world of motherhood. And it's great! Exhausting at times, but it's all worth it.

Tomorrow, May 14, my little Aria celebrates her 1st month. I can't believe it has been a month since I labored for 19hours and painfully gave birth to this beautiful 7.10-pound baby girl. Right now, as I write this, she's in her crib, just near our bed, sleeping soundly. I glance at her from time to time to make sure she's comfortable. And my heart melts everytime I look at her. My own child, my dearest daughter. My greatest blessing.

I know now how it feels. I have yet to learn more about motherhood, I know. But in the past 4 weeks, I have experienced enough to understand well what mothers go through during their baby's first months, all the joys and sacrifices, all the sleepless nights and emotional moments. Motherhood is no bed of roses, but I look at my baby and I know that I can and I will bravely face every challenge. All for Aria. Such a great honor to be her mother.

Happy Mother's Day! Cheers to us moms! We rock!

:)

Baby makes three!

For the past twelve years, it was just me and him. Then we tied the knot, made magic happen, and a song of love was born!

Now it's Dad, Mum and Aria. Family is LOVE! And love is truly all around.

:)